Marriage Pressure...

India’s respectable cultural tradition of revering elders has many several benefits and shortcomings. The most personal way in which Indians experience this is when it comes to marriage. Indians, both men and women, lack agency when it comes to making the most important decision of their life.

I have nothing against marriage (arranged or otherwise). Indeed, marriage and the scripted Indian life provide a degree of stability to an otherwise chaotic country. But often, men are forced to accept stable, high-paying professions that they are not passionate about, such as medicine, engineering, finance and consulting, because of the job security and social status that they provide. Haven’t you ever wondered why so many Indian men are doctors, engineers and increasingly lured into the IT, finance and consulting industries? The pressures on Indian youth to marry young explain the career choices men make. Unfortunately, Indian society dictates that money and stability are what men are good for.

In Indian society a good husband is measured by the expense account he affords his wife. The arts and humanities sadly do not make the cut. Entrepreneurship is not always encouraged either and is usually pursued out of necessity. How do you feel about the fact that men have to out-earn their partners? Would you marry a man who made less than you? Even if you wanted to, chances are that your family would not approve it.

Not a week (for many, not even a day)- goes by in the lives of Indian youth without being bombarded with questions about marriage. Yes, men are constantly questioned about when they are getting married, especially once they start working. These pressures have very real consequences. This phenomenon’s impact on women is often discussed, rarely is its impact on Indian men talked of. The reality is that Indian society’s attitude towards marriage places huge constraints on the life choices of males as well. 

Parents want their daughters to have good education, success in career and a happy life but when it comes to marriage, most of the wishes of girls are compromised. If they want to do something out of the league they have been told to do such things after marriage with the permission of in-laws. I wonder why ? 

Other side , if a boy shows softer side or flexibility in marriage i.e, understanding the situation of girl , trying to make others understand the feeling of girl, the boy may be considered weak to carry out his responsibilities. Showing flexibility and understanding others situation stamps a boy as weak link in holding the responsibility of marriage. Flexibility , respect and understanding stamp you as weak . I wonder- How ?

 I saw parents constantly guiding their daughters to stay away and not talk to boys specially strangers. Once she is marriageable age, the same parents ask their girl to choose a  boy amongest they chose for her to spend life. Parents who told their daughters to stay away for 22 years suddenly changes and wants their daughter to say Yes for marriage with some stranger and share everything she has and bend herself to the need of his in-laws.   I wonder-Why ?  

Yes, a man can wait until his late 20s and early 30s before seriously looking for a life partner without having to worry about finding a desirable mate. Unlike women, a man does not have to choose between a career and a family. But the pressure of earning a higher income than his partner in order to provide for his family limits the professional choices of men.

There are certain benefits when one decides to fight the battles and become a ‘career woman‘. A career woman can make the difficult decision to quit her corporate job (consulting, finance) and be employed in a successful NGO. She can afford to pursue a more fulfilling career and live with a big cut in her salary because she does not have the pressure to ‘be the breadwinner.‘ If a man were to do the same thing then he would face considerable familial pressures. While men are afforded a few more years before being pushed to tie the knot, they too must live a scripted life, which inhibits the enrichment of individuals and society.

I remember once I was bombarded with examples of my married cousins and friends, raising their family. I told them not to compare me with others because today they want what my friends did but trust me they won't love it if I do everything like my friends do. 

Even though I am an able bodied male with master's degrees I am (thankfully) not a hot commodity on the Indian marriage market given my choice to balance the traditions and practicality of life. I am somehow able to convince my parents that all rituals and customs are men made and they changes with time. That doesn't mean that I don't have marriage pressure. 

Indian marriage, for all its merits, especially the strong support structure provided by deep familial ties, is at its core an exchange of material welfare for desirous traits. It is not romantic (but can be exciting). Perhaps that is why we need such elaborate celebrations. Making the process larger than life makes up for an Indian wedding’s contractual reality.

A real man understand the difference between what looks cool and what is cool. Clothing , fast cars, and other materials possessions do not show the true measure of a man. I agree these are required to a certain extent but this is a mean not an end in itself. A true man understands compassion as well as strength, and they are not afraid to show a softer side at times. The way that a man takes care of his family and other responsibilities without having to be told to, because this is the right thing to do in a world having to be told to , because this is the right thing to do in a world that seems to reward instant gratification instead of hard work and integrity.  Real man understand patience and treat their loved ones with respect , never using physical violence or threat in order to control others. Lying , cheating and concealing material information which may have effect on relationship do not show strength , these are traits of a boy who have never grown into mature men in the first place.